Town Debates Whether Growth Should Be Managed, Stopped, Or Handled with Pitchforks.
By Tom Seest
At Sequatchie Crossing, we tell the stories of Sequatchie Crossing.
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🎤 Audio Overview
Welcome to Sequatchie – Population Growing, Tempers Soaring
Welcome to Sequatchie – Population Growing, Tempers Soaring
ACT I – The Population Problem Nobody Knew We Had Until Yesterday
Yet sometime in late spring – most say around the hour the Dollar General restocked strawberry pies – the town collectively realized something unnerving:
People were moving in.
Not just a few.
Not just the ones who marry into the Feud Families.
Not even the ones who get lost on the way to Fall Creek Falls and decide they “might as well stay.”
No, Sequatchie Crossing was experiencing actual population growth.
It started with a rumor posted in the “Sequatchie Crossing Enquirer” Facebook group:
“Heard from my neighbor who heard from her nephew who works with a guy at the feed mill that 147 new people moved here LAST MONTH.”
There was no evidence.
There was no nephew.
There wasn’t even a feed mill employee with a guy.
But the number stuck.
ACT I – The Population Problem Nobody Knew We Had Until Yesterday
Sheriff Peeler tried to get ahead of it by posting something clarifying:
“Folks, official numbers show SIX new residents last month. Only six.”
But his post only received four likes and eleven angry-face reactions – mostly from Clovis, who hit the emoji repeatedly as if trying to sound an alarm.
Meanwhile, the town’s self-declared economist, Darvin Clodhopper, claimed the influx would ruin the “economic balance.”
“Which balance?” asked Boot Barnes.
“The one in my head,” Darvin said.
Subplot A: Mabel Dean’s Diner Overflows
Mabel Dean had never seen so many unfamiliar faces – especially ones ordering food.
“Where are y’all from?” she demanded of a couple who dared to ask for almond milk.
“Chattanooga,” they said.
“Same thing,” Mabel muttered darkly.
By week’s end, she’d installed a sign:
NO ALMOND MILK. THIS IS A DIGNIFIED ESTABLISHMENT.
Subplot B: Clovis Spots Outsiders Everywhere
Clovis Strickland, unofficial town watchdog and certified Noticer of Things That Don’t Concern Him, claimed newcomers were buying up every corner of Sequatchie Crossing.
Boot Barnes pointed out that one of the “outsiders” Clovis reported was, in fact, Boot’s own cousin who had returned from a two-month truck-driving job.
“She changed her hair color,” Clovis insisted.
“That’ll confuse anybody.”
ACT I – The Population Problem Nobody Knew We Had Until Yesterday
ACT II – The Emergency Town Hall on Growth, Chaos, and Unwanted Almond Milk
County Executive Ransom Ledbetter opened the meeting with his usual comforting mixture of optimism and fear.
“We are a growing town,” he said. “Growth brings opportunity. Growth brings diversity. Growth brings – ”
“PARKING PROBLEMS!” yelled someone in the back.
“Strange milk preferences!” yelled Mabel.
“Absurdly priced real estate!” yelled three different people simultaneously.
Boot Barnes, sitting quietly, raised a hand.
“Could we hear from the new folks themselves?”
Gasps.
Actual gasps.
A woman near the front clutched her pearls so dramatically she nearly strangled herself.
ACT II – The Emergency Town Hall on Growth, Chaos, and Unwanted Almond Milk
Enter the New Residents
Two newcomers – Jess and Trevor – stood awkwardly.
“We moved here because it’s peaceful,” Jess said.
“And friendly,” Trevor added, smiling with dangerous optimism.
The room hissed.
Clovis rose.
“That’s the problem,” he barked. “If y’all wanted peace, you shoulda stayed wherever peaceful people are from. This here is a delicate ecosystem, and every new person shifts the balance!”
“What balance?” asked Boot.
“The one in my head,” Clovis replied without irony.
The Growth Spectrum Arguments
The meeting split into three warring factions:
-
The “Manage Growth Responsibly” Committee
• Led by librarian June Rigsby
• Motto: “We can plan this thoughtfully.”
• Membership: 2.5 people (the .5 represents a man who only attends for the cookies) -
The “Stop Growth Entirely” Coalition
• Led by Clovis
• Motto: “If we ignore it, maybe they’ll leave.” -
The “Handle It with Pitchforks” Contingent
• Informally led by the Wilson brothers
• Motto: “We ain’t gonna use them… but folks should KNOW we got ’em.”
Sheriff Peeler intervened:
“Nobody’s handling anything with pitchforks. That’s not a policy.”
“It could be,” muttered Clovis.
Subplot C: Economics Enters the Chat
Darvin Clodhopper approached the microphone with a pile of hand-drawn charts that looked like contour maps made by an ogre.
He proclaimed:
“Growth increases supply, BUT demand increases faster because I say so, which means – ”
“Nobody knows what you mean,” Boot whispered.
“ – and therefore, housing prices rise exactly 172%. Unless they fall. It depends on whether outsiders prefer pie or cobbler.”
The townsfolk stared blankly.
Darvin cleared his throat.
“What I’m trying to say is: THIS IS THE WORST ECONOMIC EVENT SINCE WE SWITCHED TO PLASTIC GAS CANS IN ’94.”
Chaos erupted.
ACT II – The Emergency Town Hall on Growth, Chaos, and Unwanted Almond Milk
ACT III – Logistics Gone Wrong: The Great Traffic Jam of ’25
By Saturday morning, Sequatchie Crossing experienced what historians and Facebook commenters would later call:
THE GREAT TRAFFIC JAM OF ’25
(Subtitled: “The Day Nobody Got to Walmart Before Noon”)
A single delivery truck – ironically delivering “Welcome to Sequatchie” signs – overestimated a curve on Ridge Road and wedged itself like a cork in a bottle.
Behind it:
17 cars
4 trucks
1 tractor
1 mule pulling a wagon
3 cyclists
And Boot Barnes, who just got caught in it and waved amiably to everyone.
Clovis, who arrived on foot, declared:
“This is what happens when you let ONE Californian in.”
Sheriff Peeler corrected him:
“The driver is from Jasper.”
“Which is basically California,” Clovis insisted.
ACT III – Logistics Gone Wrong – The Great Traffic Jam of ’25
Subplot D: Mabel Dean Feeds a Traffic Jam
Mabel, sensing opportunity, marched down the line of stranded vehicles offering biscuits and moral commentary.
“You stuck because of outsiders?” she asked each driver.
“No, ma’am,” they all said.
“Yes you are,” she replied.
Her biscuit sales skyrocketed.
So did her sense of purpose.
ACT III – Logistics Gone Wrong – The Great Traffic Jam of ’25
Subplot E: Boot Barnes Saves the Day
Boot Barnes examined the wedged truck, scratched his chin, and uttered the sacred phrase handed down from his ancestors:
“Reckon we can fix this if we try backwards instead of forwards.”
After 14 minutes of strategic tractor maneuvering, Boot unknowingly invented a new form of rural logistics engineering now called:
The Barnes Reverse Rotational Uncorking Technique™
The road reopened.
Sheriff Peeler declared the emergency over.
Clovis declared the emergency ongoing “as long as outsiders still exist.”
ACT III – Logistics Gone Wrong – The Great Traffic Jam of ’25
ACT IV – Town Hall Revisited: New Plans, Old Feuds, and Hope in Small Doses
“Growth Meeting, Part Two: Now With Solutions… Maybe.”
Attendance was even larger.
People showed up early.
People brought charts.
People brought pitchforks despite being begged not to.
Someone brought a goat, claiming it was an “emotional support livestock.”
Sheriff Peeler sighed heavily.
The County Executive began:
“We’ve invited experts to propose responsible growth strategies.”
“ARE THEY OUTSIDERS?” Clovis demanded.
“They’re from Dunlap,” the Executive replied.
“Well that’s worse,” Mabel concluded.
ACT IV – Town Hall Revisited – New Plans, Old Feuds, and Hope in Small Doses
The Proposed Solutions
The experts presented strategies:
-
Zoning updates
-
Infrastructure improvements
-
New housing guidelines
-
Community welcome programs
To which the town reacted:
-
“NO.”
-
“TOO EXPENSIVE.”
-
“WHO DECIDES THAT?”
-
“WE ALREADY HAVE A PROGRAM. IT’S CALLED ‘DON’T BE WEIRD.’”
ACT IV – Town Hall Revisited – New Plans, Old Feuds, and Hope in Small Doses
Subplot F: Boot’s Unexpected Speech
Boot Barnes, typically quiet unless tractors are involved, stood and addressed the room.
“Folks,” he began, “I reckon Sequatchie Crossing is a mighty fine place. Always has been. Always will be. But y’can’t stop people from wantin’ to live somewhere good. Growth ain’t an enemy. It’s just… a cousin we ain’t met yet.”
Everyone stared.
Clovis blinked.
Mabel wiped her glasses.
Sheriff Peeler whispered, “Huh.”
Boot continued:
“We can holler about it, or we can figure out how to keep what makes this place special while lettin’ folks join in. But if we spend all our time bein’ mad, the only folks left’ll be the mad ones.”
A long silence followed.
Then, for the first time in years, Clovis said:
“…Boot might have a point.”
(He later claimed he was misquoted.)
EPILOGUE – Welcome to Sequatchie (Terms and Conditions Apply)
EPILOGUE – Welcome to Sequatchie (Terms and Conditions Apply)
WELCOME TO SEQUATCHIE CROSSING
Population: Growing
Tempers: Situational
Almond Milk: No
The townsfolk eventually adopted a hybrid approach to growth:
-
Some bits are managed.
-
Some bits are tolerated.
-
Some bits are loudly complained about at the diner.
-
And the pitchforks?
They remain purely decorative. Mostly.
Clovis still grumbles about newcomers, but occasionally you’ll see him waving at them – when he forgets who he’s waving at.
Mabel Dean serves more strangers than ever, though she continues to pretend she doesn’t like it.
Sheriff Peeler keeps order with growing patience and growing migraines.
Boot Barnes gets hailed as the “Traffic Whisperer” after the Great Jam of ’25.
And the newcomers? They settle in, bewildered but charmed, slowly absorbing the truth:
Sequatchie Crossing isn’t always welcoming…
But it’s always worth the effort.
And the town – despite its collective uncertainty – keeps doing what towns do best:
Growing, changing, arguing, remembering, forgetting, baking biscuits, waving from tractors, and finding new ways to stay itself.
EPILOGUE – Welcome to Sequatchie (Terms and Conditions Apply)
DISCLAIMER
Welcome to Sequatchie – Population Growing, Tempers Soaring – Disclaimer
Real Places Behind the Ruckus – From The Dunlap Directory
Real Places Behind the Ruckus – From The Dunlap Directory
Yes, this story was fictional; even the parts that weren’t true. These places? Absolutely real. Stop by, support local, and keep the Wi-Fi away from livestock:
- Dolce In Dunlap
- Reynolds Seal Coating Company
- Hidden Cattle Cove
- Rocky Top Woodcraft
- Law Office of Samuel F. Hudson
- Dollar General Store #332
- El Metate
- Main Street Automotive
- Happy Bottom Office Services
- Taco Bell
- Harris Mowing Service
- Ladd Construction
- AMC Northgate 14
- Sequatchie County Food Bank
- Hughes Produce Dunlap
- N-Stitches
- Studio Dunlap
- Tennessee Tree Toppers Club
Real Places Behind the Ruckus – From The Dunlap Directory
At Sequatchie Crossing, we tell the stories of Sequatchie Crossing.
Please share this post with your friends, family, or business associates who may want follow the news from Sequatchie Crossing.
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