Out-Of-Towners Allegedly Running Sequatchie Crossing, Request Meeting to Learn How

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Act I – The Rumor Gains Administrative Standing

The rumor began, as most important civic developments in Sequatchie Crossing did, with no clear origin and immediate certainty.

By 8:17 a.m. on a Tuesday, it was widely accepted that Out-Of-Towners – a loosely defined group consisting of people who did not grow up in Sequatchie Crossing, did not attend Sequatchie Crossing High School, and occasionally used phrases like “best practices” – were now running the town.

No one could name one.

But everyone agreed.

“They’re making decisions,” said Eugene “Boot” Barnes, seated on his usual bench outside Town Hall, which he referred to as “where democracy goes to cool off.” “Big ones. Quiet ones. The sneaky kind.”

“What decisions?” asked Mabel Dean Ashcroft, who had stopped to adjust her purse, her glasses, and her expectations for the morning.

Boot shrugged. “Well, see, that’s the genius of it. You don’t see ’em being made.”

Mabel frowned. “That does sound efficient.”

Boot squinted toward the courthouse doors. “Too efficient.”

By noon, the rumor had escalated from “out-of-towners are influencing things” to “out-of-towners have committees.” By late afternoon, it was widely understood that they had already met, possibly on a Zoom, and were probably deciding something right now.

This created a problem.

No one in Sequatchie Crossing liked decisions being made without their input – particularly when they had not intended to provide any.

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Act II – The Meeting Is Officially Requested

The request arrived at Town Hall via email, which immediately disqualified it from being taken seriously.

Clovis Strickland, self-appointed watchdog of suspicious modernity, discovered it first.

“See?” he said, standing in the hallway with the phone held too close to his face. “This right here is how they do it. Electronically.”

The email was polite. Suspiciously so.

Dear Town of Sequatchie Crossing,

We’ve heard concerns that out-of-towners may be running local affairs. As alleged out-of-towners, we would like to request a public meeting to better understand our role, responsibilities, and authority.

We are available Tuesday at 6:30 p.m.

Sincerely,
The Out-Of-Towners

Clovis tapped the screen. “They pluralized themselves. That’s step two of a takeover.”

“What’s step one?” asked Sheriff Peeler, leaning against the doorframe.

“Calendars.”

The Mayor, who had not been copied on the email but had been told about it four times already, sighed. “Well, if they’re asking for a meeting, that’s… civic, I guess.”

Boot Barnes nodded gravely. “That’s how they get you.”

Nevertheless, the meeting was approved, scheduled, and posted to the bulletin board using a flyer printed in grayscale because color was “not in the budget unless it’s an emergency.”

The title read:

PUBLIC MEETING:
OUT-OF-TOWNERS
REQUEST CLARIFICATION OF THEIR CONTROL

Below it, in smaller print:

All residents encouraged to attend.

This wording would later be cited as the first major mistake.

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Act III – Public Reaction Becomes Fully Theoretical

Public reaction was swift and entirely non-committal.

“I might go,” said nearly everyone.

“I’ll see how I feel,” added the rest.

On Facebook, which remained the town’s primary deliberative body, reactions flourished.

• Why are they meeting if they already run everything?
• This is just optics.
• I can’t that night but I’m opposed in spirit.
• My cousin said these are the same people behind the roundabout idea.

No one could confirm that a roundabout had ever been proposed, but outrage spiked accordingly.

Mabel Dean posted once, then deleted it, then reposted it with better punctuation.

If out-of-towners are running things, why does nothing work.

This post received 47 likes and no replies, which in Sequatchie Crossing was considered unanimous agreement.

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Act IV – Preparations for Attendance

On the evening of the meeting, Town Hall was unlocked promptly at 6:00 p.m., largely because Janice from Records had misunderstood the calendar and arrived early with a casserole.

Chairs were arranged. A podium was dusted for the first time since a budget hearing in 2009.

Boot Barnes arrived at 6:12, sat in the back, and crossed his arms.

“I’m just observing,” he said. “In case I don’t like what I see.”

By 6:25, Clovis had positioned himself near the light switches.

“Just in case,” he muttered.

At 6:30 exactly, the Mayor cleared his throat.

No one responded.

At 6:35, Sheriff Peeler checked the hallway.

At 6:40, Mabel Dean leaned over to Boot.

“Is it possible,” she whispered, “that we are the out-of-towners?”

Boot scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve lived here too long to be in charge of anything.”

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Act V – The Absence Becomes Noticeable

By 6:45, it was clear that attendance was not going to improve.

The official sign-in sheet remained blank, save for Janice’s name written twice because she didn’t like how she’d spelled it the first time.

“Well,” the Mayor said carefully, “this is disappointing.”

Clovis crossed his arms. “Or strategic.”

Mabel looked around the empty room. “Do we need a quorum to be mad?”

Boot stood. “I’ve been mad with less.”

At 6:52, a woman unfamiliar to everyone peeked through the door, looked at the chairs, and left without speaking.

“That could’ve been one of them,” Clovis said.

“Or,” Sheriff Peeler replied, “someone who read the sign and made a good decision.”

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Act VI – The Meeting Is Held Anyway

At 7:00 p.m., the Mayor officially called the meeting to order.

“All those present,” he began, “are hereby acknowledged.”

This took very little time.

He continued, reading from a prepared statement.

“We have received allegations that out-of-towners are running Sequatchie Crossing. Said out-of-towners have requested clarification. They are not present.”

Boot raised a hand. “That tracks.”

The Mayor nodded. “Given the lack of attendance, we’ll proceed to the only agenda item: determining whether anyone here knows who is running anything.”

Silence.

Clovis cleared his throat. “I know who isn’t.”

Mabel added, “If someone was running things, I think I’d notice less paperwork.”

The Sheriff shrugged. “I don’t even know who runs the copier.”

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Act VII – Conclusions Are Reached

After brief discussion, the following conclusions were entered into the record:

1. If out-of-towners were running the town, they were doing so invisibly.
2. If they were meeting, they were better at attending meetings than locals.
3. No decisions made recently could be traced to anyone competent.

These findings were unanimously accepted.

The Mayor sighed. “So what do we tell them?”

Boot smiled. “Tell ’em they missed their chance.”

Clovis added, “And that they’ll have to submit their takeover plan in triplicate.”

Mabel stood. “And bring a casserole next time. That’s how you get people here.”

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Act VIII – The Official Response Is Issued

The following morning, an official response was drafted and posted on the bulletin board:

The Town of Sequatchie Crossing acknowledges the request from alleged out-of-towners regarding their governance role.

A meeting was held.

No one attended.

At this time, control of the town remains diffuse, unclaimed, and largely accidental.

The Mayor initialed it. Janice laminated it without being asked.

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Act IX – The Rumor Continues

By the end of the week, the rumor had not diminished.

In fact, it had improved.

Now it was widely believed that out-of-towners had tried to learn how to run Sequatchie Crossing and had failed.

“This town’ll do that to you,” Boot said, watching traffic that wasn’t there.

Mabel nodded. “You can’t run something that refuses to participate.”

Clovis adjusted his hat. “That’s our defense system.”

Sheriff Peeler locked Town Hall.

“Same time next controversy?” he asked.

Everyone agreed.

No one planned to attend.

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Epilogue – Civic Engagement, Confirmed Mostly Conceptual

The bulletin board flyer stayed up for three weeks.

Someone circled the date and wrote “Told you so” in pen.

No one knew who.

And that, in Sequatchie Crossing, counted as involvement.

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Disclaimer

This article is a work of satire.

Any resemblance to actual meetings, alleged decision-makers, suspected out-of-towners, or invisible governing bodies is entirely coincidental and possibly unavoidable.

No real individuals are named.
No real officials are accused.
No real conclusions are reached.

Attendance figures are approximate, speculative, and largely symbolic.

The town of Sequatchie Crossing is fictional.
Its governance structure is informal.
Its decision-making process is participatory in theory.

If you believe you were represented in this story, you probably weren’t – but your concerns have been noted in spirit and will be addressed at a future meeting that may or may not be scheduled.

No casseroles were harmed in the creation of this article.

Reader participation was encouraged.
Reader attendance remains optional.

This disclaimer does not imply responsibility, oversight, or accountability, nor does it deny them.

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