The Blessing of the Pets Parade – Tangles, Tiaras, and a Goat in the Choir Loft
By Tom Seest
At Sequatchie Crossing, we tell the stories of Sequatchie Crossing.
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🎤 Audio Overview
The Blessing Of The Pets Parade – Tangles, Tiaras, and a Goat In The Choir Loft
Every spring, Sequatchie Crossing comes together for the annual Blessing of the Pets Parade—a cherished tradition where animals great and small are paraded through the downtown square, prayed over by Pastor Arnold Peeler, and judged for spiritual radiance, costume creativity, and leash etiquette.
The event started humbly enough back in 1985, when Boot Barnes’s beagle gave birth during a Palm Sunday picnic. Ever since, the town has taken great pride in this curious mix of sacred reverence, chaos, and pet-sized tiaras.
The Blessing Of The Pets Parade – Tangles, Tiaras, and a Goat In The Choir Loft
This year’s parade theme was “No Creature Too Small, No Collar Too Fancy.” Participants gathered at the courthouse steps, forming a serpentine line of dachshunds in bonnets, cats in strollers, and a tortoise named Methuselah wearing a glittered crown made from a pickle jar lid.
Shelley Wexler arrived with a trio of guinea pigs dyed in chakra colors and gently scented with lavender mist. “These are my Elemental Rodents,” she explained. “Their names are Breeze, Pulse, and Greg.”
Trixie Jo Bartlett walked a rescue peacock on a rhinestone leash, claiming it had “gospel stage presence.” She carried a clipboard and tried to award herself extra points for both feathers and posture.
Clovis Strickland attempted to enter what he called a “quantum possum” but was disqualified after it turned out to be a suspiciously fuzzy RC car wrapped in duct tape. “You can’t prove he’s not real,” Clovis insisted.
The first major tangle occurred when Lurleen Davenport’s pair of Pomeranians, dressed as Mary and Martha, broke loose and charged the “Noah’s Ark Float” led by Boot Barnes, whose miniature donkey had already kicked over a lemonade stand.
Pastor Peeler tried to maintain order by initiating the Blessing of the Collars ceremony but was interrupted when a goat named Kevin (registered under the name “Saint Cloven”) escaped the Presbyterian float and made a break for the church sanctuary. He made it as far as the choir loft before settling into a nap on the organ bench.
Officer Kenny Joe Teeter, called in for crowd control, was spotted attempting to lasso a ferret with a microphone cord. He later told reporters, “There ain’t no handbook for this.”
A brief rain shower forced the crowd under the fellowship tent, where tensions flared between the Reptile Enthusiasts Club and the Tabby Tabernacle Delegation. An iguana attempted to scale the punch table. A goldfish bowl was briefly mistaken for a baptismal.
Conclusion
Despite the hiccups, the parade concluded with a group hymn (“All Creatures of Our God and King,” played on kazoo and glockenspiel), followed by the handing out of awards:
- Most Holy Howl: Walter the basset hound
- Best Use of Feathers: Trixie Jo’s peacock, “Glory”
- Best Dressed Hooved Participant: Kevin the goat (despite the organ incident)
Shelley was disqualified from “Most Grounded Energy” due to an unresolved dispute with a chinchilla handler over aura boundaries.
Plans are already underway for next year’s parade, tentatively titled “Pet-ecostal Sunday.” Clovis is demanding a new category for “Quantum Participants.”
Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional, including all the parts that aren’t true. Any resemblance to real people, living or just stubborn, is purely accidental—but also maybe a little flattering. Sequatchie Crossing exists only in the minds of those brave enough to imagine a town where zoning laws, casseroles, and conspiracy cassettes collide in glorious disarray.
At Sequatchie Crossing, we tell the stories of Sequatchie Crossing.
Please share this post with your friends, family, or business associates.
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